In a world that tells us we are never enough, it takes a lot of courage to love yourself and shine fully in your brilliance. I too had my own share of anxiety related to my body, which resulted in low self-esteem and outside dependency. People said I ate too much, and that’s why I was sooo fat. Or, they speculated that I didn’t exercise enough, which is why I was fat. On and on it went. The consistent body shaming affected me at the core and gradually I became very body-conscious. I always dressed in loose, unflattering clothes to avoid attention to my plump body. I was raised strictly to be modest and not show my body off. You were supposed to cover up, both in public and even in private.
My Days At The Rock Bottom
I had zero body confidence or self-confidence because I was always the shortest and fattest girl around at family gatherings, at school, or in the swim club. Friends, family, and neighbours would refer to me as “moti”.
I was desperate for my family to approve of me and of my body. I had zero body confidence or self-confidence because I was always the shortest and fattest girl around at family gatherings, at school, or in the swim club. Friends, family, and neighbours would refer to me as “moti”.
Self-doubt and self-depreciation were always walking one step behind confidence like it is for most of us. With time, I realised that self-confidence comes from not tolerating judgement or a lack of respect for myself or others. I started breaking away from the chains that society and our culture bind me in. And, with this, I regained my inner confidence exponentially and started recognising and accepting the brilliance inside me, which had always been there. It came to me as a lesson that to accept myself exactly as I am, I need to really know myself. At the same time, self-knowledge also brought along with it knowing and befriending the darkness that was inside me. So, I learnt to gracefully embrace both the good and the bad in me.
My Journey To Discovering The Hunger For Self-Love
In due course of time, I unlearnt all the ingrained messages that I received about not being good enough. This led me to the path of loving myself and allowing myself to shine in my own power and sexy brilliance.
As they say, our biggest transformation happens in our darkest times and the same holds true for me too. The Eureka moment happened when I realised that I could change whatever I had been taught since childhood about body image, learnings that were proving to be a hindrance in accepting myself wholeheartedly and giving myself nurturing, loving words instead.
And, hence, I started my journey towards reclaiming my body, my sexiness, and my divine nature. This was not work that I started lightly: it was a life-saving practice. I discovered my hunger for self-love after my divorce, which made me feel like my world was ending. In a way, it was. Everything I clung to, or by which I measured my self-worth was taken away. I was totally depleted of every resource that had both supported and starved me of genuine love. I had to adapt and grow into my own power—now called sexiness—and learn to love myself, or die. In due course of time, I unlearnt all the ingrained messages that I received about not being good enough. This led me to the path of loving myself and allowing myself to shine in my own power and sexy brilliance.
For me, self-love means loving all parts of myself. The more self-love you have, the more love you share with yourself and others. Love is the answer. It is as important to celebrate the superstar in us and to keep it alive. Knowing yourself and loving yourself all of you frees you and allows you to be the best version of YOU.
I also learnt the evergreen lessons of being kind and compassionate to myself – a way to embrace the real me with all my flaws. I began standing in front of a mirror and admiring my body and realising how gorgeous I am the way I am. It dawned upon me that sexiness is often seen as a purely physical trait, although it actually means so much more than that. It is great if that is how it starts, but it also develops by beginning on the inside, and that’s where I focused all my energies on.
Following My Heart
… I realised that there was so much more to me than what I was made to believe all these years. The genuine self that the world had prevented me from discovering. I decided to unlearn and follow my heart instead because absolutely nothing else matters anymore.
Once I made up my mind to overcome the rut I was in, I realised that there was so much more to me than what I was made to believe all these years. The genuine self that the world had prevented me from discovering. I decided to unlearn and follow my heart instead because absolutely nothing else matters anymore. I knew by then that as long as I wasn’t harming anyone in my search for personal development and inner wealth, I could do whatever is needed to give myself the life that I want.
I have grown to live in my fat body. I belong to myself and I love myself exactly the way I am. The only thing that matters to me now after the tumultuous experiences I have undergone was taking back my power. I never wanted to be at someone else’s mercy—or feel powerless—ever again. And I have worked towards it actively through all these years.
Denying my own needs and my sense of self was actually making me physically sick. Healing meant I had to dig deeply into a self and a body I had denied since I was very young. I discovered my sexiness slowly. I did not understand that it was a power I was born with. The strength and courage to be sexy must be built, from the inside out. This starts with zero: with yourself, in your deepest core. You can begin this building and re-building process by changing the way you speak to yourself about your body. And once you’ve actually made peace with yourself, none of the “other voices” will ever matter again.
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